When I approached Mr. Pessimism today and asked him for a little down-in-the-dumps quality conversation, he gladly obliged with a bunch of very weird stuff that people do to make a living. So, when I feel kinda bummed about my job prospects, I'm still thankful that I'm not a...:
1. Chicken sexer. Yeah, that's right. These people determine the sex of chickens when they hatch. A popular method? Anal inspection. You literally squeeze the poop out of chickens and look up their butts. Apparently males have a butthole-bump that females don't have. Gross.
2. Hair boiler. I guess our society needs boiled animal hair for something. So that's what you do as a hair boiler...boil animal hair. All the possible odors...
3. Odor tester. Speaking of odors...yeah, you get paid to smell deodorant, shampoo, etc. Maybe this one actually wouldn't be too shabby? (unless they make you smell...applied...deodorant. That's gross.) In my neurotic-ness, I'd be worried about inhaling all those chemicals.
4. IMAX screen cleaner. And I get sick of cleaning the glass shelves at work! I wonder if they let you fly around on some kind of harness to reach the whole screen. Flying would be pretty sweet, but cleaning those huge screens day in and day out? I think not.
5. Snake milker. Be honest. Did you, even just for a second, picture a snake with a little snake-sized udder getting legit milked? Well, these guys aren't looking for milk, they're looking for venom. These are the people who harvest venom from snakes so that scientists can make an anti-venom. Scary.
6. Dog food tester. I guess I always pictured dogs doing this job...but yes, they hire humans to sample dog food. They look for taste, texture and consistency of quality by...well...eating the dog food. Hopefully there are complimentary mints at the end of your shift...
7. Gum buster. Don't let the B.A.-sounding job title fool you. These are the people who scrape chewed gum off of benches and other public property. And I get upset when tourists drop crumbs on the carpet.
8. Fantasy broker. Okay. I'm not sure of the suckiness level of this one, but I just have to include it for the incredibly high ridiculousness factor. These people actually just exist to make sure you get what you want. You have a desire? Your fantasy broker gets paid to make sure it comes true. Maybe I should hire one of these guys to create a ton of highly-desirable jobs that I also just happen to be qualified for very close to a certain hubby's music school...
9. Carney. Unless you have a passion for guessing people's weights, free Churros (that's not so bad...), or just plain scamming people out of their money, I'd imagine being a Carney isn't that much fun. I like a carnival for a few hours once a year...but that's pretty much it.
10. Shopping cart wrangler. This one just makes me laugh. As if the shopping carts need to be lassoed and tied. If there's anyone reading who works a job where part of your responsibility is to gather shopping carts from the parking lot, you can officially say something like, "I'm a Sales Associate at Home Depot, but I do some Cart Wrangling on the side," when people ask you what you do. Keep on wranglin'.
Phew, I feel much better. I've gotten a good laugh out of a few of these while a few others have helped me maintain my unhealthy relationship with Mr. Pessimism (we all know I just use him when I feel like crap). So, the next time you're dreading a day on the job, or you-just-can't-believe-it's-only-been-two-hours, remember...
...at least you're not a Chicken Sexer.
Please share any reactions or other ridiculous/horrible jobs below! And don't forget to share this post with anyone else who could use some time with Mr. Pessimism ;-)
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